I’m so glad you reached out. First, what you shared about your feelings is perfectly normal and healthy. You do not have a mental disorder for having these thoughts and feelings. It sounds like you are still exploring what gender means to you and how you feel most comfortable identifying along the spectrum. As long as you are open to this being a process to discover what feels right to you, there is no rush in doing so. This is your unique journey. You may feel more comfortable with identifying as male, female, both, neither, or another gender identity that may feel more fluid to you and represent your feelings and experience better. You have the right and choice to identify however you feel most comfortable.
Based on what you shared it sounds like you are exploring both gender and sexual orientation. Keep in mind that a person’s body parts and anatomy do not define a person’s gender identity. Gender is in the mind, but some folks have a desire to match their physical body and presentation (how others view them) with the way they identify their gender. How you define it matters more than how others would define any particular gender. It is also healthy to think about and want to have specific body parts and/or changes to your body and expression. Your desire to want male genitalia is natural. It doesn’t necessarily define your gender. You can have any particular genitalia and identify anywhere along the gender spectrum. Again, parts do not define a person’s gender. It all comes down to what you feel most comfortable with. Only you know what feels right for you and know that you don’t have to feel one way all the time. Gender can be fluid for some people. Enjoy the journey and talk to other people in the community going through similar experiences.
We are always here as a resource should you should ever want to reach out again.